Making the Most of It

“It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better and gains gladness. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning….”
Ecclesiastes 7: 2-4

When you are in the process of healing you must take in to consideration the losses that have resulted. These losses must be grieved in order to be released. One example is in a parent child relationship when there has been emotional, verbal, or physical abuse there will be many things lost. Trust, respect, and good times together, just to name a few. Some losses like trust can be restored over time but the time lost can not be restored. So the loss of time spent together will need to be grieved. You can not go back and relive your life as a 10 year old again. The time you need to spend with your father is now gone and so it must be grieved. You will always be trying to find what you have lost until you grieve and release it.

The following are eight short steps that can be taken to grieve losses so the heart can be healed. These steps will need to be repeated out loud or written down several times during the healing process. You will experience the peace of the Lord as you go through this grieving and releasing process.

These eight steps are a process for grieving what you have lost. They will need to be applied to every relationship where you have been hurt. You can’t accept the fact that someone or something is gone until you face the loss and grieve it. In Ecclesiastes 7:2-4, the writer says that we actually go to a house of morning and that the sadness makes the heart better. Now is the time for healing!

1. Step one for healing is to face it.

Who hurt you? _________

Who did not hear you?_________

Who left you? __________

Who did not receive you? __________

Who refused to love you? ___________

2. Step two is to face what you lost.

Did you loose out on a good father?

Did you loose out on a good mother?

Did you loose a good friend?

Did you loose a husband?

Did you loose a wife?

Fill in the blank, I lost _________.

3. Step three is to accept that what you lost is gone.
Make a list and write down all that you have lost.

I accept the fact that ____________is gone. The good times that we had together are over. Or the good times we should have had never happened.

4. Step four for healing is acknowledged to the Lord that you have been hurt and angry.

Lord I have been angry at __________ for ___________.
I ask you to heal me and cleanse my heart of this anger.

5. Step five is to release what you have lost.
Lord, I ask for your help to be set free from this pain. Lord by myself I can not accept the losses. I ask for your help to accept what I have lost. I accept the reality that _________ is gone; and I release (person or thing).

6. Step six is to forgive the person.
Lord I choose to forgive __________ for hurting me. They owe me nothing.

7. Step seven for healing.

My hope is in You Lord. I know You are the one that gives life. Not the person or the things I have lost.

8. Step eight for healing is to choose life.

Lord, I choose Life; help me to continue looking forward towards the life you have given me.

Denise Boggs is an author, teacher, and Director of Living Waters Ministry. She writes a daily devotional available through email The Path Called Righteousness.

For daily devotional, visit
http://www.livingwatersministry.com.html

Before we discuss the subject of death, we should discuss the subject of grief. And that is that there are basically 5 stages of grief that one undergoes when one encounters a loss, whether it’s a broken relationship, bankruptcy, a loved one’s death, ones own impending death, or any other loss. They are in order of their occurrence 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining,
4)depression, and 5) acceptance. You could skip a stage, or perhaps go back and forth, but in general these are the stages people go through when one experiences a loss.

1st Internet Question: WHY DO SOME OF THE YOUNG PEOPLE DIE SO YOUNG? AND WHY, EVEN THOUGH WE PRAY FOR THEIR HEALING, SOME NEVER GET WELL, AND CONTINUE TO SUFFER AND DIE?

The answers I’ve received on 2 Christian websites indicate that nobody really knows. Basically they say that death is caused by inherited sin, and many of the deaths of the young people are caused by the sinful nature of others, while other deaths of the young, such as in cancer, can’t really be explained. They also seem to be saying, which I agree with, that God really doesn’t cause these deaths, but we do feel that He can use these occasions to strengthen us in our faith of Him, or perhaps even teach us a lesson.

2nd Internet Question: WHY IN HEALING SERVICES DO SOME PEOPLE GET MIRACLE CURES AND OTHERS DON’T?

The answers again which I’ve received on the same 2 Christian websites indicate that many feel that this is just a show and that there really is no medical verification of the fact that these people were really healed at the healing service. Others on these websites believe that God does heal, but only in prayerful small groups without a lot of fanfare. While others feel we really don’t know, although if a person does have a positive attitude, it helps a great deal. One said that the sovereignty of God is actually foreign to us. I feel that while God answers some prayers the way we want, some even better than we want, many others He doesn’t answer the way we desire, but even so, in our prayer time we tend to feel more content in that at least we know that God is with us in our disappointment.

3rd Internet Question: HOW WOULD YOU RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST LOVED ONES THROUGH DEATH? WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY SAY TO THEM?

(Responses come from 2 Christian websites)

1) Mat says: Through Jesus Christ we have hope in the resurrection.

2) George says: Many times when I have gone to a funeral or to a home of a Christian who has just lost a loved one, I go with the intent of offering comfort. When I leave I realize I received more comfort than I gave. However, I have no idea what to say to someone who is not a Christian and has just lost a loved one.

3) Jack says: There’s a lot of verses that you can throw out at a person on a resurrected eternal life, but if you just throw out verses you risk being cold and insensitive. I never know just what to say myself, but just hug and love them so that they may see the love of Jesus Christ.

4) Laura says: Don’t say anything, just listen, and talk if they need you too.

5) Alice says: When we lost Dad to a heart attack, the ones who were the most comfort to Mom were those who just gave her a good hug, a shoulder and an ear. Praying for strength and comfort is a huge blessing and we could feel the lifting up of our spirit. Maybe it’s just our family, but none of us could remember any words of comfort. Perhaps this is because of the numbness of
our grief.

6) Jay says: I’ve never found it easy. It depends on the person. I usually just say I’m sorry it happened and express a share of their sadness.

7) Sam says: Sadly, I’ll be trying to find the right words soon. One of my Mom’s best friends was murdered this past week. It’s incredably sad. I don’t know if there are any words we can plan to say really. As Jay says, it depends on the person and the situation. Any loss of a loved one is a sad situation, but it’s probably sadder if the loss is of a child or one in the prime of his or her life. So I guess the best words are just to let the person know that we care and that they are in our thoughts and prayers.

BJ says: What I say is something that let’s them know that I am sorry, saddened to hear of their loss, and then ask them how they are doing with things, and if I can help them in anyway.

4th Internet Question: SHOULD YOU TELL ONE THAT HE OR SHE IS TERMINALLY ILL? IF SO, HOW? WOULD THE PATIENTS KNOW ANYWAY WITHOUT YOUR TELLING THEM? HOW WOULD YOU RELATE TO A TERMINALLY ILL PERSON? HOW DO YOU RECONCILE THIS WITH ALWAYS BEING TRUTHFUL AS SCRIPTURE SEEMS TO INDICATE YOU SHOULD BE?

1) Corbin says: I know I would want to know.

2) Ralph says: I just went through this with my best friend, Dan, actually. He died last February 6th at the age of 44. Sixteen months after he was diagnosed with cancer. For most of that time, the prognosis was not actually terminal, but about 3 months before he died, they pretty much told him he wouldn’t make it. Still they kept telling him to try experimental treatments and were even giving him chemotherapy almost to the day of his death. I don’t know if they really thought there was any chance or were just trying to give him some hope to help keep him going. In a way, it made that time a little easier for me since, in the back of my mind, I always felt there was still the possibility that he might beat it, however slim. I also think it may be important to give a dying person at least some hope just to make his or her final days bearable. Good post.

3) Shirley says: In spite of the sensitivity of the subject, I think it would be more cruel to withhold the truth from one who was dying. I went through the experience with my mother who died in 2000 from a rare blood disorder. She had 3 years after her diagnosis and about 1 year left when she was told that her condition was terminal. Knowing seemed to “free” her somhow. She began to do things she’d been afraid to do before, thinking it might somehow worsen her condition. She took trips and visited friends and relatives for as long as she was physically able. She planned her funeral, picking out her own casket and pallbearers. She chose the person to give the service; she chose her dress and the music she wanted - one song - “You’ll Never Walk Alone”. She made a will and paid her funeral expenses so that my sister and I would not be burdened or have to make all these choices after her death. She requested that we sign paperwork refusing to have her resusitated by artificial means when the time came for her to die. She didn’t want to be kept on life support and have my sister and I to have to decide if and when to discontinue it. My mother was one of the most courageous women I’ve ever known, and I’m sure that she was glad to know her true condition and appreciative for the time she had to take care of her affairs before her death.

4) Mary says: I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule for this question. It would depend very much on the patient - whether you knew they were likely to be able to acceept it or spend their last days in misery or terror because they’d been told. My mother knew without being told and would have been very annoyed not to know because she took considerable pleasure in being able to sort out her affairs and make her peace - but she was that sort of woman. I would certainly want to know, probably because I take after my mother. As to truthfulness, there’s such a thing as being unnecessarily truthful, if the dying person doesn’t know and would be desperately upset by the news. It would be unChristian surely and certainly cruel to force the unwelcome news on them. And sometimes when a dying person feels stifled by their relatives’ and friends’ grief, they often want deseparetly to talk about it, so it’s really up to those around them to help them with that, because it can help them accept what is happening and to make the best of the time that is left for them.

5) Carlos says: I wonder if we cheat people by refusing to tell them that they are dying, because if they don’t already know it takes time to die. There are a lot of responsibilities to tie up. There are people you would like to meet one more time to say those things you never got around to saying, to forgive and ask forgiveness. You can get so tired of hearing the phony happy talk from the medical people, family and friends, because it gets in the way of getting ready for one of the most important experiences in our lives, that of preparing to leave this life. I speak from personal experience as I have started dying more than a few times. Having chronic illnesses, I am well aware that at some point it will kill, or the complications related to my illnesses will kill me. That is barring that some accident doesn’t get me first. Death is never very far away from my thoughts and I have made my peace with it. I don’t give up, but I am not afraid of it. However from my experience, I know my mood jumps all over the place when death seems to be approaching. So when the time actually comes, I don’t know how I’ll react. But denying death, interferes with living life fully. How often do we put things off to later and never
actually get around to do them. Once you realize you can and will die, you dive more into living and put off fewer things. It is less what we do and more of what we haven’t done that we usually regret. Death is not our enemy because it’s what makes life so precious.

5th Internet Question: IF A DOCTOR TOLD YOU THAT YOU ONLY HAD 5 TO 6 MONTHS TO LIVE, HOW WOULD YOU REACT? WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE THAT WAS AVAILABLE?

1) Martin says: I would trust in God rather than believing in the doctor. Obviously I would not think he was a quack. I’d heed his advice, but I’d rather trust in God, because the doctor is not always right. There are many people who were supposed to have died years ago but who are sill living today.

2) Jack says: Hopefully I would do the same thing I’m doing now. If I got that type of news and felt I had to change my life, it means I really hadn’t been leading the type of life I should have been leading in the first place.

3) Albert says: I’d quit work and collect my insurance, go on a world trip and see my relatives and friends around the world and probably keep preaching. Of course, I would check it out with the Lord first.

4) Jim says: I agree with JAC. Why should we live any different if we had only 6 months to live when our lives can be taken at anytime?

5) Sam says: This a very good question to think about.

6) Carlos says: Well it depends on what you could still do, both financially and physically. I’ve been near death several times with chronic illnesses, and because of this, I believe I appreciate life much more than many who seem to drift through life under some sort of belief that they have plenty of time to get around to living their lives. Life is really shorter than they think.

7) Corbin says: I think you should live each day as if it’s the last day of your life. Of course you should plan for the future, but still you should not depend on the future. God will take care of that.

6th Internet Question: ARE YOU AFRAID TO DIE? WHY OR WHY NOT? IF YOU ARE, ARE YOU AFRAID TO LIVE ( ENJOY LIFE ) AS WELL? MANY PEOPLE FEEL THAT IF YOU’RE AFRAID TO DIE, YOU’RE REALLY AFRAID TO LIVE ALSO.

1) Joe says: No, I’m not afraid to die- I have the blessed hope in Jesus that when I do pass on I will be going from death to life. However, I do wonder when I die how will it be. Will it be quick, in my sleep, will I suffer and if I do, will I do it graciously or will I complain? I do love life though.

2) Eddy says: Not as such. I love life, and I want mine to continue for a long time. I would worry about my family. Every family needs a father. But dead and what lies beyond holds no terrors.

3) Fran says: Afraid to die, not really. Saddened somewhat at the prospect of leaving loved ones behind. However, I know I will see them again. I leave it in the Lord’s hands and do the best I can while I am here in this mortal world/body.

4) Mat says: I am not afraid of death. I know my reward awaits me - whatever it is. I fear dying. I have seen so much dying under horrendous conditions, especially in wartime. I really fear pain more than the reward.

5) Corbin says: I’m not afraid to die, but I do fear the process, especially when pain is involved. I just can’t
stand pain.

6) Carlos says? I have no fear of dying at all. But when the time comes, I have no idea what my reaction will be. Living has risks. There is really no safe way to live. If we are unwilling to take any risk, we will never fully live, although we will try to put the risks in our favor. We must always be aware that anything we have, including life, can be taken away at any time. So we must fully enjoy life and appreciate what we have when we have it.

7) Ruth says: Yes, I would have to say I am more afraid of dying than not for 2 main reasons 1) I don’t want to leave my kids behind without a mom, and 2) I might be wrong in my understanding of what it takes to spend eternity with God. Good topic though.

Sean says: I’m afraid to die because I enjoy living so much, and I’m afraid that eternity could be a disappointment.

7th Internet Question: WHAT WORDS ON A TOMBSTONE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BEST DESCRIBE THE SUMMATION OF YOUR LIFE? I ASK THIS QUESTION BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE A LONG RANGE GOAL FOR LIFE, AND THIS QUESTION MAY HELP THEM IN FORMULATING SUCH A GOAL.

1) Fran says: “I loved and was loved”. Life doesn’t get any better than this.

2) Jack says: “Spent his life packing his bag and sending stuff ahead - now he’s gone home”

3) Carl says: “This Witch has left this life and gone onto the next. Why are you wasting time here just reading this text” Actually, if you believe in reincarnation as I do, you will have many lives to correct the many regrets you might have in previous lives, and so you don’t really have to put anything on your tombstone.

4) Mick says: If the tombstone can wait, who knows what my life may bring in the future.

5) Sarah says: I heard two opinions which seemed quite original: They were 1) “See, I told you I was sick.” and 2) “Still vacant”.

6) Corbin says: I would put “I was a Christian nudist” because these were the 2 events that were most meaningful to me during my lifetime.

LIVING FOREVER

If you’re afraid of death, the only other option that you would have is living forever. And if this is your choice, and since you still can’t avoid death in this mortal world, you would have to have your body frozen, or put in a deep sleep, until science finds a cure for what killed you. If eventually death can be humanly defeated, what would be the consequences of such an event. I believe, and the respondees on 2 Christian websites seem to agree, that the consequences would be

1) overpopulation, which could stretch our natural resources to their ultimate limit

2) much more competition for employment

3) much more hatred being expressed due to all the economic hardships taking place

4) much more boredom due to the lack of adventure being sought because of much more time on our hands

5) no solutions for accidents still happening which could leave you crippled for eternity

6) no answer for evil still existing in our midst

7) no hope for another life that would free us from all our human worries.

I was born in New York City in 1931, grew up on Long Island, graduated from Roanoke College in Virginia with a BA in Political Science, and from New York Theological Seminary with a Masters Degree in Religious Education. I became a committed Christian in 1958, and after a number of years became a committed Ecumenical Christian. I worked as an accountant in various companies for about 25 years in New York City, then moved down to Argentina and worked for about 21 years as a Business English Conversationalist Teacher with some of the top managers. My greatest life-changing experience occurred in the early 70’s when I became very active for about 3 years in a social nudest (both sexes) camp. I also became a Stephen Minister (trained counselor) while down here. I have been married twice (the last to an Argentine), widowed once, and have no children, but one cat. If you want to contact me, you
can do so via (corbinwr@yahoo.com).

Suicide is the one form of death that has quite a stigma attached to it. It brings with it a feeling of shame and betrayal. It is not the same as saying to someone “My father died in a car crash” nor is it the same as saying someone died from a heart attack. Having to explain that someone took their own life can be quite a difficult thing to do as we have no explanation as to why this dreadful occurance took place.

Suicide amongst young men is currently growing quite significantly around the world and I hope that by reading my poem people can see the effects that suicide has on those that are left behind.

I have dedicated my poem below to the memory of my father the late James Evans who sadly took his own life on the 29th October 1990. May his soul find eternal peace.

Suicide

The power to supress

The pain and the loss

The tears and the saddness

The grief inside

Lying there

Dormant

Sleep please, oh sleep

The memories suppressed

No power to deal

With the pain that you caused

The gap no one can fill

Your selfish act

Leaves me broken

Afraid to love

Afraid to live

Through suppression I survive

Suicide not only killed you

Copyright © Amanda Evans

Amanda Evans is the producer of http://www.amandawrites.com Here you can view all her poems and articles and also subscribe to the Writers Passion Newsletter.

The loss of a loved one. It is often difficult to find the right words to express your sympathy to someone during this time of sorrow. A floral tribute and supportive message can offer much support to those grieving such a loss. Here we list some suggestions, perhaps to inspire you as you offer your condolences with your floral tribute.

~Our deepest condolences
~With Sympathy
~Our thoughts are with you and your family.
~In Loving Memory
~You are in our thoughts and prayers.
~Fondest remembrances
~Thinking of you and offering you hope and comfort.
~May you find peace and love in the memories you cherish.

In the weeks after…

After the initial outpouring of support, even weeks after the service, encouraging words can provide continued comfort. Consider sending a floral arrangement, a green or blooming plant, or even a gourmet or fruit basket to the family’s home with a supportive message. Here are a few suggestions for you;

~Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts
~I have been thinking of you
~Hope this brings sunshine to your day
~Let’s get together soon for lunch, give me a call.
~Just as you have been for us, we are always here for you.

Overall, an uplifting and sensitive message is most comforting. Avoid words like “sad” or “I know how you feel”. Messages offering your heartfelt support and friendship with your floral tribute will be appreciated. Your local florist can offer further suggestions about sending a floral tribute.

Tenley McDonald- Former Florist- Now Co-Owner of http://www.flowerpowernetwork.com (Online Directory of Real Local Florists) You can call a local florist direct! No middleman, no extra fees! Ms. McDonald has over 14 years experience in ~Consumer Relations/Marketing ~Customer Service Management ~Floral Design.

Not long ago I was conducting one of my training teleclasses in my Energy Healing Facilitator Training series. When we got to a place where I needed to demonstrate one of the processes, I asked for a volunteer student from the group who was willing to use a real issue for the demonstration.

A student volunteered, and her issue was a lot of anger she had been feeling toward her husband, for his way of treating her in the marriage.

As the student and I went through the short process, which was about releasing the cause of the anger, she suddenly had the realization that this pattern in her husband was exactly the same pattern that she experience with her father in her childhood. In that moment we were able to release a lot of that old charge.

She later expressed to the class that she had never made that connection of the present marital problem and her very similar childhood experience.

I’m relating the above here with my student’s permission. And the reason I’m writing about it is to illustrate that this is not an isolated event. Rather it is quite common.

In my individual telephone client sessions, often the client has a “eureka moment” during the process, and sees quite clearly where the “roots” of the issue came from. In fact, it is my belief that every current issue or problem in our life stems from childhood trauma or indoctrination of one sort or another. These childhood events are carried on a subconscious level, and the memory literally resides in the cells of our body.

When I’m speaking of “trauma” here, I don’t mean only physical trauma. When we are very young, we are extremely impressionable and vulnerable, and we take in words and energy on a very deep level as the absolute “truth”. So, in our early years, we can experience emotional trauma just as deeply as physical trauma, often simply from hearing unkind words from the adults around us.

Simple neglect in early childhood can create traumatic messages for us. And it makes no difference if the words were unintended, or that our parents may have loved us deeply. There is still some limiting belief that is created in us, and remains operative in us, until such time as it is healed and integrated into our being.

So if you are currently experiencing an ongoing emotional reaction to someone, or some recurring situation in your life, it is helpful to understand that there are deeper roots, usually stemming from family of origin events. These deeper roots are held in the cells of our body, and although they can be healed, they cannot be healed simply by changing our current life circumstances.

This explains why so many of us tend to replicate one similar life situation after another. We see this so clearly in the areas of relationships and/or prosperity, where we often seemingly resolve a problem situation, only to go on to create another one just like the last. It was Einstein who said “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness that created them.” My belief is that, in resolving life challenges, we cannot solve them only at the level they are presently showing up in the world.

We must lift those problems out along with the deeper roots that created them. When we are finally able to do that, the core issues finally become neutralized. At that point we are truly healed, and truly free!

FEAR

Fear is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.

Fear is evil, without evil there would be no fear. Fear is like an icy hand. Whenever you are scared, there is something evil involved. Fear is the opposite of life, hope, joy, peace and love. Fear is man’s worst enemy and a terrorist’s best tool.

Fear is an invisible being that overpowers you. It squirms in your stomach and whispers in your ear. You cannot control your life. Fear makes you panic. You run as hard as you can without knowing where you are going. You ricochet off every object that stands in your way.

It takes hold of you and makes you shiver down in your boots. It’s like an icy knife that cuts you to the heart. Fear can be controlled and overcome, but sometimes it holds you in its iron grip leaving you suspended, dangling. Blind panic washes over you and you struggle to release yourself. When you are finally released, it is as if warm sunshine floods over you and all danger is past.

DANISH IQBAL BSSE(2nd Semester,KU).

This topic has been debated many times but the question still exists: “Why do a lot of single men all over the world choose Russian single women?” Frankly, I get asked a lot. What’s so special about a Russian woman? If you ask yourself these questions as well, you’ll probably find helpful information in this article.

Facts.

According to the latest census, Russia is home to 10 million more women then men, said State Statistics Committee head V.Sokolin. The number of women in their 30s exceeds the number of men significally. After the divorce, the woman with a kid (or with no kids) has little chance of getting married again in Russia, according to sociologists. There are no men in Russia to get married to: mortality rate of the working age males is extremely high.

Keeping these statistics in mind, check your dating opportunities in Russia as well. You will be shocked by the quality of Russian women.

Beauty.

The proverb ‘Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’ confirms that tastes differ. The woman one man considers to be beautiful, another may think she is not. Effortless grace…Charming smile…Kindness…Beautiful cheekbones…Fair hair and skin…? Hard to choose…Possibly, it makes an irresistible mix.Let’s see it by the eyes of men.

This is how Western men describe a genuine Russian woman: “Slant to the eyes…”,”…I can’t resist this stunning beauty”, “Russian women are the most beautiful women I have seen”… Should anything be added? However, nobody is able to judge by beauty alone. Let’s see other Russian woman’s qualities.

Family Priorities.

The woman’s marriage age in Russia is about 23-25 years old. That means a woman gets married comparatively early. At least she tries but fails (see the census).

It looks unusual if a Russian woman at the age of 30 is still unmarried. She feels uncomfortable either. These are daily facts from the Russian woman’s life:

~Being highly educated, she would prefer a stable and happy family to her career;

~Tireless commitment to her loved ones, she keeps the household herself;

~Her husband is a partner and not a competitor; More facts?

Love and romance.

The Russian woman’s ‘romantic sweetness’ makes her search for a happy, fulfilling and loving relationship. She is extremely feminine, healthy, sexy, passionate, sensual and thankful.

Love-making is not a hard work for her: it’s the pleasure and the beauty of mutual satisfaction. The truth is that the Russian woman while making love is really making love … A Russian woman wants to see the excitement in you, so give it to her! You will not regret.

Russian women are educated and smart.

You will be pleasantly surprised at the educational level of Russian single women looking for men abroad. A university or college degree is a common thing. It’s not a bluff. Don’t forget they are spiritual. The tradition of reading books, attending concerts, museums is still alive in Russia. Beautiful Russian women are extremely teachable: you will not believe how quickly they are able to begin speaking a new language and adapt themselves to the new circumstances.

Do you think it’s easy to leave the country of birth, relatives, friends, the job, and the native language? Try… It’s extremely difficult.

Ideal image? This is sure a common portrait of beautiful Russian single women looking for men abroad. If you take into account the general qualities as well as concentrate on the real woman, you’ll be fine.

Start focusing on the woman, communicate with her, ask and answer questions, let her know that you are sincere. Be yourself, let her know that you care about her - any woman wants to be taken care of - how can you go wrong with that?

The notion ‘Russian woman’ includes women from Ukraine and Belarus as well, as they have very much in common. There are exceptions so you should be very careful in your choice.

(Article continued from Part I)

What can be done to help someone who may be suicidal?:

1. Take it seriously.

Myth: “The people who talk about it don’t do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.

“Those problems weren’t enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting the person who has it.

2. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: “If someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.

3. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.

4. Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don’t need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. At times everyone feels sad, hurt, or hopeless. You know what that’s like; share your feelings. Let the child know he or she is not alone. Avoid arguments and advice giving. If the child’s words or actions scare you, tell him or her. If you’re worried or don’t know what to do, say so.

5. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.

6. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the school or home.

7. Urge professional help.

Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.

8. No secrets.

It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says “Don’t tell anyone.” It is the part that wants to stay alive that tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide prevention makes it easier and much more effective.

Interventions with a suicidal student:

Schools should have a written protocol for dealing with a student who shows signs of suicidal or other dangerous behavior. The following steps may be effective in dealing with a student who expresses active suicidal intent.

1. Calm the immediate crisis situation. Do not leave the suicidal student alone even for a minute. Ask whether he or she is in possession of any potentially dangerous objects or medications. If the student has dangerous items on his person, be calm and try to verbally persuade the student to give them to you. Do not engage in a physical struggle to get the items. Call administration or the designated crisis team. Escort the student away from other students to a safe place where the crisis team members can talk to him. Be sure that there is access to a telephone.

2. The crisis individuals then interview the student and determine the potential risk for suicide. a. If the student is holding on to dangerous items, it is the highest risk situation. Staff should call an ambulance, the police and the student’s parents. Staff should try to calm the student and ask for the dangerous items. b. If the student has no dangerous objects, but appears to be an immediate suicide risk, it would be considered a high-risk situation. If the student is upset because of physical or sexual abuse, staff should notify the appropriate school personnel and contact the police. If there is no evidence of abuse or neglect, staff should contact parents and ask them to come in to pick up their child. Staff should inform them fully about the situation and strongly encourage them to take their child to a mental health professional for an evaluation. The team should give the parents a list of telephone numbers of crisis clinics. If the school is unable to contact parents, and if the police cannot intervene, designated staff should take the student to a nearby emergency room. c. If the student has had suicidal thoughts but does not seem likely to hurt himself in the near future, the risk is more moderate. If abuse or neglect is involved, staff should proceed as in the high-risk process. If there is no evidence of abuse, the parents should still be called to come in. They should be encouraged to take their child for an immediate evaluation. d. Follow-Up: It is important to document all actions taken. The crisis team may meet after the incident to go over the situation. Friends of the student should be given some limited information about what has transpired. Designated staff should follow up with the student and parents to determine whether the student is receiving appropriate mental health services. Follow-up is crucial, because most suicides occur within three months of the beginning of improvement in depressive symptoms, when the youth has the energy to carry out plans conceived earlier. Regularly scheduled supportive counseling should be provided to teach the youth coping mechanisms for managing stress accompanying a life crisis, as well as day-to-day stress.

In a counseling situation, a contract can be an effective prevention technique. The suicidal adolescent can be made to sign a card which states that he or she agrees not to take the final step of suicide while interacting with the counselor.

Role of the teachers:

Teachers play an especially important part in prevention, because they spend so much time with their students. Along with holding parent-teacher meetings to discuss teenage suicide prevention, teachers can form referral networks with mental health professionals. They can increase student awareness by introducing the topic in health classes.

Some schools have automatic expulsion policies for students who engage in illegal or violent behavior. It is important to remember that teens who are violent or abuse drugs may be at increased risk for suicide. If someone is expelled, the school should attempt to help the parents arrange immediate and possibly intensive psychiatric and behavioral interventions.

Role of the peers:

Peers are crucial to suicide prevention. According to one survey, 93% of the students reported that they would turn to a friend before a teacher, parent or spiritual guide in a time of crisis. Peers can form student support groups and, once educated themselves, can train others to be peer counselors.

Adolescents often will try to support a suicidal friend by themselves. They may feel bound to secrecy, or feel that adults are not to be trusted, and this may delay needed treatment. Ideally, a teenage friend should listen to the suicidal youth in an empathic way, but then insist on getting the youth immediate adult and professional help.

Role of the parents:

Parents need to be as open and as attentive as possible to their adolescent children’s difficulties. The most effective suicide prevention technique parents can exercise is to maintain open lines of communication with their children. Sometimes teens hide their problems, not wanting to burden the people they love. It is extremely important to assure teens that they can share their troubles, and gain support in the process. Parents are encouraged to talk about suicide with their children, and to educate themselves by attending parent-teacher or parent-counselor education sessions and from nearby libraries or the internet. Once trained, parents can help to staff a crisis hotline in their community. Parents also need to be involved in the counseling process if a teen has suicidal tendencies. These activities may both alleviate parents’ fears of the unknown and assure teenagers that their parents care.

Postvention:

The rationale for school-based postvention/crisis intervention is that a timely response to a suicide is likely to reduce subsequent morbidity and mortality in fellow students, including suicidality, the onset and exacerbation of psychiatric disorders, and other symptoms related to pathological bereavement.

An attempted or completed suicide can have a powerful effect on the staff and on the other students. One study found an increased incidence of major depression and posttraumatic stress disorder 1.5 to 3 years after the suicide. There have been clusters of suicides in adolescents, and some feel that media sensationalization or idealized obituaries of the deceased may contribute to this phenomenon.

The school should have plans in place to deal with a suicide or other major crisis in the school community. The administration or the designated individual should try to get as much information as soon as possible. He or she should meet with teachers and staff to inform them of the suicide. The teachers or other staff should inform each class of students. It is important that all of the students hear the same thing. After they have been informed, they should have the opportunity to talk about it. Those who wish should be excused to talk to crisis counselors. The school should have extra counselors available for students and staff who need to talk. Students who appear to be the most severely affected may need parental notification and outside mental health referrals. Rumor control is important. There should be a designated person to deal with the media. Refusing to talk to the media takes away the chance to influence what information will be in the news. One should remind the media reporters that sensational reporting has the potential for increasing a contagion effect. They should ask the media to be careful in how they report the incident. Media should avoid repeated or sensationalistic coverage. They should not provide enough details of the suicide method to create a “how to” description. They should try not to glorify the individual or present the suicidal behavior as a legitimate strategy for coping with difficult situations.

It is imperative for crisis interventions to be well planned and evaluated; otherwise, not only may they not help survivors, but they may potentially exacerbate problems through the induction of imitation.

COMMUNITY BASED PREVENTION PROGRAMS

Crisis Services (hotlines):

Crisis centers and hotlines are based on the premise that suicide is often associated with a critical stress event, it is usually approached with ambivalence, and the wish to commit suicide is seen as a way to solve an immediate problem. Crisis centers and hotlines are designed to deal with the immediate crisis, and use the individual’s ambivalence to convince them that there are other means of solving the problem other than suicide.

Restricting access to lethal means:

The underlying rationale for means restriction is that suicidal individuals are often impulsive, they may be ambivalent about killing themselves, and the risk period for suicide is transient. Restricting access to lethal methods during this period may prevent suicides. The following steps may be useful:

* Safe storage of guns

* Fences on bridges

* Restricting drugs/poisons

* Other restrictions on guns

Educating the media:

This includes educating media professionals about contagion, in order to yield stories that minimize them, and encouraging the media’s positive role in educating the public about risks for suicide and shaping attitudes about suicide.

CONCLUSION

Suicide attempts and completed suicides among adolescents are problems of increasing significance. School staff, parents, and health professionals should be sensitized about the risk factors and warning signs of suicide, and about the ways to deal with suicidal adolescents.

FURTHER READING

* Gould, M.S., Greenberg, T., Velting, D.M. & Shaffer, D. (2003) Youth suicide risk and preventive interventions: a review of the past 10 years. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 42, 4, 386-405.

* Hawton, K. & James, A. (2005) Suicide and deliberate self harm in young people. British Medical Journal, 330, 891-894.

* www.depts.washington.edu/hiprc/practices/topic/suicide

* www.baltimorepsych.com/suicide.htm

* www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Somebody has created a monster. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say a generation of monsters. Why are our children such finicky eaters? And, more importantly, what can we do about it? I don’t mean a child who has firm preferences for certain foods. I’m talking about the child who is choosing all of his meals and eating macaroni and cheese from a box three times a day every day.

We are in a food crisis, and it’s beyond the scope of this article to talk about all the terrible things happening in our culture around food issues. But I will talk about what parents can do to help their children with eating issues. Parents can intervene while children are young and formulating their ideas about food and eating. Parents ask me, “What can we can do about the fact that little Meagan will only eat Chicken Fingers? And what can we do when she throws a fit when she can’t have them?” They don’t want her to starve! Some parents even carry along of can (or container of) whatever little Johnnie will eat when they go out to a restaurant or are visiting with friends.

In the homes of these finicky eaters, every night at dinner time there is a gruesome scene where little ones cry, throw themselves around, spit out food, and in some way throw a tantrum when they can’t have spaghetti-o’s. As the dreaded dinner hour approaches, parents vow to “make” Jimmy eat his peas. But more often than not, parents become short-order cooks who are preparing three different meals for three different children. What parents want to know is “What do we do when Amy won’t eat anything but Cocoa Puffs?”

First, let’s look at the bigger picture. There are two opinions in child psychology that I believe have been misinterpreted by parents. The first one is the recommendation that children be given choices to help them develop their internal locus of control. This means that if you start to allow children to make age appropriate choices, they will be able to be more autonomous and independent as adults. This is excellent advice and comes from sound psychological research. While the concept is a good one, and is absolutely essential as children move toward puberty, parents have not understood that choices must be limited and must be congruent with the developmental age of the child.

To take a 4-yr-old into a grocery store, place her in front of 250 kinds of breakfast cereal, and ask her what kind she wants, is to set a precedent that is both unreasonable and irresponsible. It would be appropriate for the parent to choose two cereals (hopefully not Cocoa Puffs) and ask the child which one he/she would like. It is this kind of choice which fosters independence, but does not give the child the false belief that he can run his world. Also, depending on the age of the child, he or she needs structure and can become confused and anxious with too many choices.

When the “choice concept” is applied to food, this is the beginning of the finicky eater phenomenon. Children are told or are made to believe that they have a choice about what they eat. But they soon realize that they’ve been lied to. They can’t really decide to have ice cream for breakfast because parents freak out when they make these kinds of choices. They’re kids. They really are not capable of making nutritional choices. That’s why they have parents, to guide them in their formative years so that they can make good choices later, when they are developmentally able.

So it’s this lie that originally creates the power struggle. Kids are told they can choose, and then parents cajole, argue, punish, get mad and upset, and try to get them to change their mind. Kids don’t have much power, so they surely don’t want to give it up when they get it. In their world, Mother told them they could choose, and they’re going to make sure that she delivers!

The second misinterpretation of sound psychological advice is this: Don’t make children eat what they don’t want. Do not force feed your children. Now this is surely good advice. Again, children who are forced to “clean their plates” do not develop an internal point of reference for recognizing hungry and full. This creates problems later with overeating. Everybody remembers the scene from Mommy Dearest where the poor girl was forced to sit at the table late into the night in front of a cold piece of meat. Of course, parents do not want to get into that type of power struggle with their child. But I think the pendulum has now swung in the opposite direction where parents believe they must let the child make all his own decisions about food. Parents must give guidance by offering only certain choices. Back in the good old days, parents and children sat down to a family meal and they ate what mother prepared for dinner. If they didn’t like something, they didn’t eat it, but mother didn’t jump up and start preparing them an omelete. It just wasn’t expected.

Here are a few basic principles for parents worried about their children developing eating disorders: l. The less said about food the better. 2. Don’t project your own eating issues onto your kids by focusing too much on food. 3. Don’t make comments about your own diets, size, fat people, bad foods, healthy foods, and all the rest. 4. Just stop focusing on food and eating!

For misguided parents who had no idea they were creating a food monster, it’s not too late to get a handle on it. You may already have given your child the mistaken belief that she can choose what she wants to eat. And you already may be dealing with a “finicky eater”. It’s time to admit you’ve made a mistake and make these changes:

1. Depending on your child’s age, have a talk with them about their finicky eating and their accompanying bad behavior about getting what they want. Tell them you made a mistake and you now know that you should be giving them guidance and you’re going to start today. If your child is too young to understand this explanation, simply start with #2 below.

2. Hopefully, your child has some foods he will eat (other than candy and sweets). Most kids will eat bread and butter or maybe fruit. Pick out something you think your child might eat and include it in the dinner menu as a side dish. Not another entrée! For example, include bread (or rolls) and butter on the table with the other food if you think your child will eat it. Include a fruit or maybe pudding for desert. Now let’s say you’re having a Lasagna dinner and your child won’t eat anything but hamburgers and potato chips. And you also know she will eat strawberries. In addition to the bread and butter, include strawberries for desert.

Put some Lasagna on their plate (or whatever the main entrée is for the evening meal). Then ask them what else from the table they care to have. Let’s assume they’re not going to eat the Lasagna….don’t fuss about it! If, at some time during the meal, they want anything else that’s on the table, allow them to have it. These are choices they can exercise. If they’re hungry and want two rolls, let them have it. Pick out some side dishes like pickles, a vegetable plate with dip, something that might appear on a dinner table as a side dish with a main entree.

The idea is that you are providing some food choices for the child, but they are things already on the table. So, without him/her being aware of it, you are compromising, but keeping control over what she or he can eat. They will simply be aware that you are not giving in to their demands. Children will not starve if they do not eat the Lasagna nor will they starve if they don’t have the hamburger and chips. Parents say, “He’ll starve if he doesn’t get what he wants to eat.” No he won’t. This has never happened.

3. Plan for the child to have snacks between meals. Children’s systems are not developed to the point where they can go 4 or 5 hours between meals. Give them one snack between each meal and give them 2 or 3 acceptable choices (from things you approve of and know they would like) and let them choose their snack. Don’t make a big deal about the snack….be matter of fact. This will give them some additional choices about food.

4. Stick to this plan 100% of the time until your child realizes that she is part of the family and will be eating what the family eats for dinner (give the choices mentioned above). Do not prepare another choice for your child. They will not starve. Some times hunger will motivate them to expand outside of their rigid patterns to include more types of food. Consistency is very important, so be sure you are prepared to follow through when you start the plan.

Intermittent reinforcement (where you let the child’s bad behavior work some times) is the most reinforcing because the child soon learns that going on and on with a tantrum DID work once. And it might work again, so he will continue the bad behavior beyond all reasonable expectations.

5. Over time, you will extinguish the expectation in your child that he or she can have whatever he or she wants to eat no matter what is served for dinner. There will still be things they do not like. That’s okay. Don’t force them to eat what they don’t like, but do encourage them to eat other things on the table that they do like. And make a point to have something they really like quite often.

6. Another thing that reinforces finicky eating is taking children to a Fast Food drive-through restaurant. When children are young, perhaps 3, they begin to see that they can say yes to a certain food and it magically appears. By the time they are 4, they have developed a few favorites on the menu and can just ask for that and they get it. It doesn’t matter what others are ordering, because everybody can have something different, and everybody gets what they want! Don’t take children to fast-food drive throughs. If you must, please limit it. If you are a busy parent, pick up the food on your way home and have the children eat it at the table on a plate if at all possible. I know it’s easier and more convenient to just drive up, order, and eat it out of the bag, but it’s not good for your child.

Most children do eventually grow out of finicky eating behavior, but in the meantime it’s a miserable scene around dinner time until they do. More importantly, some children do not grow out of it and develop eating disorders later in life. As parents, we want to be sure our children have the best start so that they can lead healthy lives. Start early and pay attention to the messages you are giving your children about food.

Children who feel lonely often experience poor peer relationships and therefore express more loneliness than peers with friends. They often feel excluded–a feeling that can be damaging to their self-esteem. In addition, they may experience feelings of sadness, malaise, boredom, and alienation. Furthermore, early childhood experiences that contribute to loneliness may predict loneliness during adulthood. Consequently, lonely children may miss out on many opportunities to interact with their peers and to learn important lifelong skills. Given the importance placed on the benefits of peer interactions and friendships to children’s development, this potential lack of interaction raises many concerns for teachers who work with young children. Peer relations matter to children, and lonely children place as much importance on them as do other children (Ramsey, 1991).

Contributing Factors of Loneliness

Several factors contribute to feelings of loneliness in young children. Some that occur outside of the school setting are conflict within the home; moving to a new school or neighborhood; losing a friend; losing an object, possession, or pet; experiencing the divorce of parents; or experiencing the death of a pet or significant person. Equally important are factors that occur within the child’s school setting, such as being rejected by peers; lacking social skills and knowledge of how to make friends; or possessing personal characteristics (e.g., shyness, anxiety, and low self-esteem) that contribute to difficulties in making friends. Kindergarten children who are victimized by peers (e.g., picked on, or physically or verbally attacked or taunted) report higher levels of loneliness, distress, and negative attitudes toward school than nonvictimized children (Kochenderfer & Ladd, 1996).

Observing and Assessing Young Children

Participating in careful observation of children is a necessary first step to gain insights into children’s loneliness. While observing children, teachers can focus on the following, which may suggest signs of loneliness: Does the child appear timid, anxious, unsure of himself or herself, or sad? Does the child show a lack of interest in the surroundings? Does the child seem to be rejected by playmates? Does the child avoid other children by choice? Does the child appear to lack social skills that might prevent him or her from initiating or maintaining interactions? Does the child have the necessary social skills but is reluctant to use them? Is the child victimized by peers? Does the child’s apparent loneliness seem to be a consistent pattern over time, or is it a more recent phenomenon? In addition, because loneliness cannot always be observed in children (e.g., there are children who appear to have friends but report feeling lonely), teachers can spend time talking individually with children. They might ask children, “What does sad and lonely mean?”; “Are you sad and lonely?”; or “What would make you happier?” (Cassidy & Asher, 1992; Ladd, Kochenderfer, & Coleman, 1996).

When observing and assessing children, it is important to be sensitive to and aware of their developmental abilities and personal inclinations. For example, it has been suggested that young children who play alone may be at increased risk for later problems, both socially and cognitively. Many preschool and kindergarten children, however, engage in nonsocial activities that are highly predictive of competence. Therefore, over time, teachers need to observe children’s interactions with their peers, talk to children about their feelings, and document their behaviors and responses to determine whether they are lonely or are happily and productively self-engaged.

Intervention Strategies and Recommendations

Although research in support of specific practices assisting lonely children in the classroom is weak, teachers might consider several approaches that may be adapted to individual children. Children who are aggressive report the greatest degrees of loneliness and social dissatisfaction (Asher, Parkhurst, Hymel, & Williams, 1990). Children are rejected for many reasons, and teachers will need to assess the circumstances that seem to lead to the rejection. Is the child acting aggressively toward others? Does the child have difficulty entering ongoing play and adapting to the situation? Does the child have difficulty communicating needs and desires? Once the problem is identified, teachers can assist the child in changing the situation. The teacher can point out the effects of the child’s behavior on others, show the child how to adapt to the ongoing play, or help the child to clearly communicate feelings and desires. Children who are supported, nurtured, and cherished are less likely to be rejected and more likely to interact positively with peers (Honig & Wittmer, 1996).

Children who are neglected or withdrawn also report feelings of loneliness, although to a lesser extent than do aggressive-rejected children. Because these children often lack social skills, they have difficulty interacting with their peers. These children may also be extremely shy, inhibited, and anxious, and they may lack self-confidence (Rubin, LeMare, & Lollis, 1990). If children lack certain skills, the teacher can focus on giving feedback, suggestions, and ideas that the child can implement. Children who possess adequate social skills but are reluctant to use them can be given opportunities for doing so by being paired with younger children. This experience gives the older child an opportunity to practice skills and boost self-confidence.

Children who are victimized by others believe that school is an unsafe and threatening place and often express a dislike for school. Furthermore, these children report lingering feelings of loneliness and a desire to avoid school even when victimization ceases (Kochenderfer & Ladd, 1996). These findings point to the importance of implementing immediate intervention strategies to reduce victimization. Teachers can provide firm but supportive suggestions to the aggressor. For example, teachers might guide and assist children in developing the life skills they need, such as respecting others and self, engaging in problem solving, working together on skills and tasks that require cooperation, and expressing feelings and emotions in appropriate ways (Gartrell, 1997).

Teachers can think about how the curricula might be helpful to a child who is feeling lonely. Some children may benefit by being given opportunities to express their feelings of sadness or loneliness through manipulation, drawing, movement, music, or creative activities (Edwards, Gandini, & Forman, 1993). Arranging the dramatic play area with props may help some children act out or express their feelings and feel a sense of control. Use of crisis-oriented books with children, referred to as bibliotherapy, may assist a child in coping with a personal crisis. Sharing carefully selected literature with children may assist in facilitating emotional health. Children who are able to express and articulate their concerns may want to talk about their unhappiness.

Developing close relationships with children and communicating with their primary caregivers can give teachers valuable insights and guidance. When teachers become aware of children who are experiencing loneliness caused by a family situation, they can lend their support in a variety of ways. Spending extra time listening can be reassuring and helpful to some children. Suggesting to a parent the possibility of inviting a peer over to the child’s home may be a good idea and may help the child to form a friendship. In addition, teachers can ask parents for their recommendations about what might make the child feel more comfortable at school, and they can share relevant resources with parents, such as literature or information on parent discussion groups.

Conclusion

The issues of loneliness were once considered relevant only to adolescents and adults. Research suggests that this notion is misguided and that a small but significant portion of young children do in fact experience feelings of loneliness (Asher, Parkhurst, Hymel, & Williams, 1990). As a result, the immediate and long-term negative consequences associated with loneliness in children are becoming apparent, and the need to observe children and to develop and implement intervention strategies is becoming critical. When teachers take time to focus on individual needs of children, build relationships, and assist them with their needs, children thrive (Kontos & Wilcox-Herzog, 1997).